Lindsay L. O'Connor

by Lindsay L. O’Connor

Dreamless: a gun violence lament
by Lindsay L. O’Connor

She’s never been a good sleeper
my eight-year-old daughter
still wakes up in the night,
afraid
like her sister did for so long.

The other day
she said
I know you said when I have bad dreams
to think of a way to change the ending
and make it good
but
I don’t like good dreams, either
because good dreams can turn scary.
I like it better when I have no dreams.

I felt sad and befuddled,
confronted with the innocence
and devastatingly prophetic words
all wrapped up in this little body.
She was right.
What could I say?

The recurring nightmare happened again
in Georgia, this time.
Georgia is ranked 46th in the U.S.
for gun law strength.
Texas is 32nd, same as last year.

Same as last year.

Same as last year.

We are living the same nightmare
from Columbine
to Sandy Hook
to Uvalde
to Apalachee
and nothing changes.

The traumatized part of me
desperately wants to believe
those 14 points
between 32 and 46
might keep my daughters safe,
but I know otherwise,
and even more,
I know
	that I know
		that I know
there’s no such thing as other people’s children.

Every morning at school drop off,
I carry the nightmare with me
and I pray
God, protect ALL of our babies.

I think of the children in my house,
in our neighborhood,
in our city
	state
		country
in Israel and in Gaza
in Russia and in Ukraine
in the Democratic Republic of Congo
and everywhere from Here to There.

How many of us have learned to prefer no dreams
when so many of our good dreams
have turned scary?

What does a world
of dreamless children look like?
I am afraid we are finding out.

My daughter’s face
scrunched up at bedtime,
her most recent nightmare
fresh in her body’s memory,
She began to cry, afraid to sleep,
afraid to surrender
to dreams that can turn bad.
My only offering was with-ness.
“If you have a bad dream, come get me.”
“But then I have to wake you up.”
“Come get me.”
Wake up
Wake up
Wake up

Come get me
Come get me
Come get me

Finally,
dreamless,
she slept.