Lindsay L. O'Connor

/

mallard in the middle

[depression in the group chat]

The mallard in the middle
gets all the good sleep.
Seven ducks slept in a row
a few yards from the creek near our house,
conspicuous as a red balloon
floating in a blue sky.
They looked so vulnerable
until I learned
they can allow half their brain to sleep
while the other half stands guard,
as indicated by a single open eye.
In this half-asleep/half-awake state,
mallards can detect a predator
in less than 1/5 of a second.

I thought of last night’s sleep graph—
a typical one for me—
with a couple skinny bars of deep sleep
punctuating wide ribbons of light sleep.
This was when I realized
I sleep like a duck,
half my brain resting lightly
while the other half remains vigilant.

When ducks sleep in a row,
the two on the ends sleep
with the outside eye open
while the ducks in the middle enjoy
full-brain, both-eyes-shut
sleep.
If the same ducks line up in a different order,
their sleeping roles adjust accordingly.
I imagine that, in theory,
everyone is afforded a chance
to be the duck in the middle.

The women I know
are tired of being outside ducks,
or maybe even
the Only Duck.
Decades into this thing,
the signs of burnout manifest
in various ways,
but most seem to lead to one.

Depression has entered the group chat.
The brave individual who named hers
was met with a chorus of voices
echoing words born of personal experience.

If I hear one more woman
described as selfless,
I think I might scream…
only I don’t have the energy,
on account of the half brain sleep
so instead, it leaks out in verse.

I’m beginning to think
The praise of a woman’s selflessness
is an affirmation
that she does not deserve to have a self,
that her purpose is to d i s a p   p   e    a    r
in service of the selves that get to be.

When the fire of a woman’s self
is deprived of oxygen,
familiar smoke signals call out to each other,
and we find one another in the haze.
Depression has entered the group chat,
but we know what to do.
We’ve been here before,
and we’re learning to take turns
being the mallard in the middle.