Lindsay L. O'Connor

O God,

Be to my loved one what I have been trying to be but cannot.

This is the prayer that surfaced while I had a precious 30 minutes alone for a walk this morning.

Particularly for those of us who have more porous boundaries (empaths, HSPs, Enneagram numbers in the dependent stance, folks who are codependent, etc.), we have a tendency to absorb the stress & suffering of those we love & take it on as our own. Of course, it is natural & good to have compassion for people who are suffering & to do what we can to lighten their load as appropriate, but when we become over-identified with problems that are not our own, we may find ourselves making futile attempts to alleviate suffering & then experiencing the exhaustion, frustration, burnout, & even resentment that ensues. I must learn to recognize my own discomfort with the pain of others that causes me to take on what doesn’t belong to me as I try to rush in & fix it.

To be able to clearly discern what is mine to do, I have to let go of my savior complex & my inability to be with others’ pain. The closer we are to the person who is hurting, the more difficult this may be. Ignatius of Loyola taught about the need to become “indifferent,” meaning that we loosen our grip on the attachments we have that prevent us from the freedom to make peace with whatever direction the Spirit is leading. Many of us have a bias that whatever we want is automatically the opposite of where God is leading, or conversely, that any apparent obstacles are automatically signs that we are headed down the wrong path. The movement of the Spirit is mysterious and rarely predictable, inviting us into a trusting relationship instead of providing hard and fast rules to apply equally to every situation.

As I held my loved one in prayer, the Spirit seemed to show me that I was trying to take God’s place in this person’s life instead of resting in the trust that God loves them even more than I do & doesn’t need my intervention. I found peace for myself & was able to be emotionally available to see how God is working in them & through their situation.

May we find rest in drawing near to the God who loves our people even more than we do.